“If your party can run the nation for eight years, and then have a national convention and not invite Bush, Cheney, Rumsfeld, Colin Powell, Karl Rove, or Tom DeLay, you’re not a political movement, you’re the witness protection program.”
If your party can run the nation for eight years, and then have a national convention and not invite Bush, Cheney, Rumsfeld, Colin Powell, Karl Rove, or Tom DeLay… (audience applause) you’re not a political movement, you’re the witness protection program.
In fact, Republicans, next time, instead of holding a convention without your most recent President, your most recent Vice-President, your most recent Vice-Presidential nominee, and most of the runners-up from your most recent primary, why not just wave one of those Men in Black memory eraser wands in our face, and make us forget everything we know about you? (audience applause)
Now, I’m sure Sarah Palin would’ve been uncomfortable at the convention — much of it was held indoors — but isn’t it traditional to invite the last nominee for VP? Even if conceiving her was a mistake, aren’t you morally obliged to bring her to term? (wild audience applause)
Cuz if you went by what they said this week, here’s how the history of America went down. OK, first the Founding Fathers — you know, the original teabaggers — they got the Constitution directly from Jesus. Then the first Republican President, Abraham Lincoln, freed the slaves. And the Republican Party to this very day has never stopped fighting for the black man.
Except that Romney and Ryan are now polling at zero. Zero percent among blacks. They couldn’t get a black guy to vote for them if they gave him a Lincoln! (audience applause) And Mitt Romney may yet try that.
And then came, of course, St. Reagan, who was the innovator of the Republican Party’s greatest power, the ability to completely forget. So I’m just asking, how can we trust Republicans with the future, when as far as I can tell from Tampa, the world ended the year Reagan left office? Like in 1988, we all just fell into a deep sleep listening to “Pour Some Sugar on Me”, and when we woke up on Monday morning, Obama and his Negro army had wrecked the joint. (wild audience applause)
I mean, come on! George Bush was President just 3 ½ years ago! They talk about him like he’s some vague pop culture reference from way back, like the Snapple lady, or that rap duo who wore their pants on backwards. He was President for two terms! It’s like holding a Star Trek convention, and not inviting Shatner.
Because, let’s be real. If you’re trying to sell what the Republican Party can do for you, it’s best not to remind people of what its recent fuck-ups actually did to you. (audience applause) Especially during hurricane season!
The past accomplishments of the team that tanked the economy, legalized torture, and made the surplus disappear, is not the best advertisement for the future, for the same reason you never hear the words, “from the director of Corky Romano….”